"Diary of a Former Communist: Thoughts, Feelings, Reality", Book by Ludwik Kowalski. Now in Free Web Access
Diary of a Former Communist: Thoughts, Feelings, Reality
by Ludwik Kowalski
(Professor Emeritus, Montclair State University (USA))
The author about his work:
"This short free book is based on a diary kept between 1946 and 2004 (in the USSR, Poland, France and the USA).
The word FREE is emphasized to show that this is not a commercial. No one is making money on this self-published book. I am an old man who is trying to be useful. Writing this book was a moral obligation. I would very much appreciate it if you could share the link with others who might be interested."
From the Introduction:
"This is my “book of life.” It is based on what I recorded in diaries, first as a teenager in the USSR and Poland, then as an adult, in Poland, France and the USA. It traces my evolution from a dedicated Stalinist into an active anti-Stalinist. Romantic affairs and other preoccupations are not totally ignored.
My notebooks were kept in an old green metal trunk. In late 2009, at the age of 78, I finally decided to open it. Up to then, I had never re-read the diaries. Their total volume was approximately three cubic feet. One thing became clear as soon as I started reading. Translating everything made no sense, considering poor composition, numerous repetitions, and too many details. But I began to see my life more clearly, and decided there was enough substance to be of interest to others. It is certainly a piece of a much larger picture in which numerous individuals were swept up by 20th-century ideologies.
Fortunately, my wife Linda helped me with the task of editing, as I translated from Polish to English. “Are you going to be embarrassed to read descriptions of episodes from my sexual life?” I asked before we started. The answer was “we are senior citizens now.” The description of my unusual life is likely to generate more questions than I can possibly answer."
The full text of the book is here, see the CLICKABLE LINKS TO ALL CHAPTERS IN FREE ACCESS
Table of Contents
An Introduction
Chapter 1: Brief Summary of My Entire Life
1.1 Building the First Non-Capitalistic Social Order
1.2 Becoming Homeless
1.3 Between Two Armies
1.4 Returning to Poland
1.5 French and American Connections
Chapter 1A: Father's Two Letters from Siberia (1939)
Chapter 2: Arguing with My Mother - Polish or Jewish?
2.1 Glory to Our Leader (before 1950)
2.2 Second Year at Warsaw Polytechnic (1950)
2.3 Who am I, a Jew or a Pole? (1951)
2.4 Two Years After We Fell in Love
2.5 What Does She Think about Our Political Activities? (1952)
2.6 Stalin Was a Goal-Oriented Bolshevik
Chapter 3: Why is the Ministry of Security Investigating Me?
3.1 Communist Morality
3.2 Remains of Capitalism
3.3 She is not for me
3.4 A Captain from the Ministry of Security (1952)
Chapter 4 Death of Our Dear Comrade Stalin
4.1 M&L Means Marxism-Leninism (1952)
4.2 Common Cause Versus Love
4.3 Tyrannical Nature of Our Political Systems
4.4 Doctor's Plot Affair (1953)
4.5 To Serve the Party Until the End of My Life
4.6 Nearly Expelled from the Party
Chapter 5 Attitude Toward Religion
5.1 My Relatives Abroad (1954)
5.2 Religeous Roots versus Party Membership (1954)
5.3 Anticipating Post-Graduate Studies in the USSR (1954)
Chapter 6 Cult of Personality Revealed
6.1 Yugoslavia - Unjustly Accused.
6.2 Party Members are Briefed
6.3 Marxism is Based on What is Best in Religion
6.4 Political Storms Approaching (1955)
6.5 Death of Our President (1956)
6.6 Khrushchev's Secret Report at the 20th Congress in Moscow
6.7 I Must Study Menshevik Literature
6.8 Accepting Privileges
6.9 Trying to Understand Abuses of Power
6.10 Down with ZMP? (1956)
Chapter 7 Aftermath of the 20th Congress
7.1 Our Nationality Problem (1956)
7.2 Another Meeting Devoted to the 20th Congress
7.3 Most People are Not Idealists
7.4 Why am I a Communist?
7.5 Budapest Uprising (1956)
7.6 Who Betrayed Whom?
7.7 What Would Most People Do?
7.8 Rising Polish anti-Semitism
Chapter 8 Meeting Joliot-Curie in France
8.1 Tunia and Her Friends (1957)
8.2 Joliot-Curie
8.3 Preparing for Courses in Paris (1957)
8.4 First Months in the Lab (1957)
8.5 Under Direct Supervision of Radvanyi and Joliot (1957)
Chapter 9 Communists Killing Communists in Budapest
9.1 No Matter Where I Am (1959)
9.2 Stalinism in Hungary
9.3 Bringing My Diaries to Paris
9.4 Happy Days?
9.5 I am Proud of the Soviet Satellite (1959)
9.6 Do Not Compromise: Fight for What You Want (1959)
9.7 My Own Room in Antony
Chapter 10 Fourth Year in Paris
10.1 A Good Research Partner (1960)
10.2 Possible Dissertation Projects (1960)
Chapter 11 Using the Nuclear Reactor
11.1 My First Publication (1961)
11.2 The Devil is Against Us
11.3 It Was Not Our Fault
Chapter 12 Will She Go to Poland with Me?
12.1 Party Discipline in Theory and in Practice.
12.2 My Four-Step Plan
Chapter 13 Back to Poland with the Doctorate
13.1 The Cult of Personality was a Religion (1963
13.2 The French Doctorate (1963)
13.3 Visiting Israel (before Returning to Warsaw in 1963)
Chapter 14 Leaving Poland
14.1 Beyond the Green Trunk
14.2 Problems Attending a USA Conference
14.3 The Right Girl for Me (1966)
14.4 Combining Teaching and Research
Chapter 15 Loose Ends--Recent Years
15.1 October 1972: Cooperating with Columbia University
15.2 September 1975: Praying for My Parents
15.3 Year of Blessing
15.4 To Our Unborn Child
15.5 September 1985: Blaming Jews
15.6 December 1988: Freedom to Think and Speak
15.7 December 1992: Distinguished Scholar
15.8 September 2002: Renewed Interest in Cold Fusion
15.9 Two Destructive Ideologies
Chapter 16 Six Questions and Answers
Chapter 17 Table of Contents
